Christmas time is the season when family conflicts and tensions can become more prominent. Expectations tend to be high, with everyone having their own idea of the perfect Christmas. This often leads to disappointments. Although the focus is on family, for many this is the only time of year the whole family gets together, and this can be very stressful. For others who have had losses, the sadness can be overwhelming.
Every year families in conflict hope for something different, and yet every year the same things happen. Suddenly you become the child you stopped being so many years ago. You find that the same old arguments and behaviours seem to slip right back in when least expected.
To cope, individuals need to step back, relax and let everyone see the adult that they’ve become. Focusing on the good times that you had with your family and that by trying you can have many more. Don’t expect a perfect Christmas, just concentrate on making the season as stress free and enjoyable as possible for everyone.
If the previous experiences with extended family are too stressful, or were filled with trauma, it may be time to let the annual gathering go. Find alternatives to a big gathering, or just explain that you have decided to stay home and have a quiet event this year with your partner and children. You can plan shorter visits such as tea and dessert at another time during the holiday, or perhaps a dinner out so the territory is neutral and not filled with any particular memories.
If the tensions are less serious albeit still stressful, such as a vegetarian at a turkey dinner when everyone has an opinion, try to ensure the get together is not centred on food. A potluck where everyone brings their favourite dish is another alternative, and saves one person from doing all the hard work. As for discussions regarding such issues, Christmas dinner is not the best forum for a political or ethical debate if relationships are already tenuous.
It is best to avoid any topics that are controversial and can lead to bitter disagreements. Sometimes it’s best to resolve these issues on your own in therapy. If a situation is just too hurtful, it is best to make alternative arrangements. Sure, some people may have hurt feelings, but the ones you love and care about most will understand. If it’s a relative you only see once or twice a year, and it is something you are able to set aside, it is pointless to cause yourself the distress of re-visiting it. Remember even people who are related have very different life experiences and may see things differently. In order to have a smooth and conflict free Christmas, it is important to discuss your choices well in advance. Do not wait until the week before Christmas to tell Mom that you won’t come for dinner if your drunken Uncle Fred is there
The other important decision is regarding gifts. Come to an agreement that will suite everyone’s financial means. It is always best to avoid gifts that may infringe on someone’s values such as a violent rated video game for someone else’s teen. Many families in tight economic times draw names, or decide to purchase only for little ones.
Remember that the season is a celebration. By making new traditions, and celebrating the simple things such as touring the holiday lights, participating in a community or charitable event or visiting a Nativity display, everyone just may be able to have a Merry Christmas after all.
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